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On September 21, 2018, I will have been on this earth for 40 years. As I have written before, over the years my heart has found a home in various places and amongst many different people. However, there has always been a constant place of comfort that I return to. For 40 years it was the place that remained while so many other things in my world changed.

I close my eyes and still smell the coffee perking in the old school percolator. I can imagine myself pretending to be asleep in the bedroom next to the kitchen while straining to hear the “grown-up” talk and laughter. I can feel the breeze on my face as I swing on the front porch pretending that I’m flying away to some new adventure.  I can feel the thrill in the air as my cousins and I scurry to try and find my Paw Paw hiding in a dark room pretending to be the boogie man. I hear the peels of laughter from deep in our little bellies as we hurry through the house to get away and my Granny, feigning frustration, laughs as she hollers, “Bill, you’re riling those kids up!” I see myself working word search puzzles at the kitchen table with my Uncle Danny, playing thousands of games of Triominoes, Uno, Upwords, and any other game that could be played. I feel the sticky, hot summer nights in the backyard catching lightning bugs in jars. I hear the chatter and smell the food cooking at the reunions on the 4^th of July when the house seemed to explode with family. I feel the heat of the sparklers as they burn my fingers for the thousandth time and see the explosions of bottle rockets in the front yard. I hear the crunch of the dirt and gravel as I walk out the back gate and step into the alley. I run down to my pal Holly’s house, to the drug store to get a suicide Slush Puppy, or to have an adventure at the church building or (in my little mind) to the far corners of the earth. I hear words spoken and songs sung as we prepare food in the kitchen. I feel the burning in my mouth because I was not patient and ate the fried squash as soon as it left the oil, worth it! I hear advice that I wish I had heeded sooner to save my heart from aching. I see people hurting yet receiving comfort from one another and I understand what it takes to go through the calm and the storm as a family. I hear arguments followed by laughter, love, and forgiveness. I hear the clanking of that fence opening and closing, the door on the patio slam behind me and voices from inside holler “Well, Hello!” I feel hugs and kisses on the hand and smell breakfast cooking on Saturday morning. I see my babies grow and play in the living room and on the patio just like I did. And then, I open my eyes.

No, it wasn’t a dream. I was there. It was real but, now, it is a memory. Just a few weeks ago the house that my Granny and Paw Paw purchased nearly 60 years ago and the location of some of my most precious memories, was sold. My Paw passed in 2008 and my Uncle Danny in 2016. My Gran is still with us, but we have had to say goodbye to the Gran she once was as her memory is ravaged. Saying goodbye to people you love so dearly is unexplainable until you have to do it. I have had to say goodbye to many people in my life and each time has been a unique experience. In the case of those I have mentioned here, those goodbyes have been deeply painful but, they have also come with a hope. This hope inevitably pushes through some of the scars from the deep wounds of loss and reminds me that I will see them again. My faith in Christ and His resurrection taught to me by these loved ones, assures me of that fact.

I have been a bit blindsided by how broken my heart feels at the loss of this place. It is, after all, just a house. I never really imagined I would feel so deeply hurt when this moment came. I suppose it’s because, though my heart has had experience with finding a home wherever it has roamed, this place was where the largest part of it lived. It was my safe, home base. Perhaps that will translate into eternity as well? 

If I close my eyes again maybe, I’ll see it?

After I meet my God, my Jesus, and witness their Holy Spirit perhaps they will show me to my heavenly home?

As I turn down Ashe Avenue with it's newly paved golden street of course, there it will be, 551 Ashe. Paw will be waving from the porch “Where ya been sis!” I’ll see my uncle run to me, something I never witnessed in my life on earth. When it’s time for my Gran to join them, she will take her place and I’ll see her working on the flowers in the front of the house or standing in the kitchen telling me to come on in the house. I will feel their arms wrapped around me again and I will be able to do the same to them. Most of all, I will get to hear them say “Welcome home forever!” So, I reckon when Y'all get to heaven, you can just find me up at Gran and Paw’s house burning my mouth on squash, catching lightning bugs, listening to the sounds of my family worshiping together for eternity, and loving every moment of it.

Mercy Me - Finally Home