I may know you or I may never have met you. Whoever you are, if you are a Christian
woman we are bound together by a bond of sisterhood. If you are a preacher’s
wife we are sisters not only in Christ but in the ministry of His Gospel in a
unique way. I wrote this several years ago at the request of a dear friend for
someone that would soon become a minister’s wife and I decided to revisit it
and give it a bit of an update.
I
have been married to my wonderful husband, Paul, for 18 years. We have three
children ages 15, 12, and 3 (that, however, is totally another letter) We have
been privileged to work with several great congregations in Tennessee, New
Mexico, Kentucky, West Virginia, and coming soon, Texas. Paul and I have known
each other for 20 years and have been in ministry together for nearly that long
as well. Having been a preacher’s wife for 18 of those 20 years I do have a few
things that may be helpful to you as you begin your life as a minister’s wife, that
may be helpful reminders if you’ve been in that role for a while, or may
encourage you to be a blessing to your preacher’s wife if you are not one. I
hope that you will find these things helpful and I welcome advice from you as I
strive to maintain my focus.
1. God should be your first
priority in all you do. If you do not put God first on every list you make, it
makes life more of a struggle than it needs to be. Be present to offer worship
to God at every opportunity. Be present to study His word with fellow
Christians at every opportunity. Surround yourself with His people as much as
possible. There is a reason Deuteronomy 6:4-5 is called the great Shema or the
great listen. God says to Israel, if you don’t hear anything else, hear this: “The LORD our God, the LORD is one. You
shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and
with all your might.” God should not only be a small part of you, He should
be all of your whole being.
2. With God firmly in place as
the head of your family make sure that you and your family grow in Him. Pray
everyday, read or meditate on His Word everyday. One of my favorite things to
do is post things in my home that have scripture on them. It helps me to gear
my mind in the right direction. Have conversations with your family about
scriptures you have had on your mind and have been studying. Engage in
conversation with your husband about his sermon or class study focus for the
week and it will enrich your appreciation for God’s Word and grow your
relationship at the same time. After telling the people of Israel to love God
with their whole self, the Lord goes on to tell them how they can accomplish
this command. Deuteronomy 6:6-9 says: “And
these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach
them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your
house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.
You shall bind them as a sign on your eyes. You shall write them on the
doorposts of your house and on your gates.” This will work for us today as
well. As we strive to keep God first in our lives we must keep His word in our
hearts.
3. You, as a minister’s wife, are
living in a fish bowl now. Sorry to say, right or wrong, it’s the truth. Be
aware of this but DO NOT let it rule your life. You are a Christian Woman just
like every other Christian Woman held to the same standards by the only judge
that matters, God. You can not control that others will feel they have the
right to comment on everything from your hairstyle to your footwear to how you
raise your children, but you can control how you react to it. The right
reaction will set the stage for how future conversations will be directed and
for how you may influence someone to do better for the work of Christ. Proverbs
25:11 says “A word fitly spoken is like
apples of gold in settings of silver.” If you remember numbers 1 & 2 on
the list, it makes number 3 easier to handle. As Matthew 12:34-35 says “For out of the abundance of the heart the
mouth speaks. The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and
the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil.” What are you
treasuring in your heart, the Word of the Lord and His encouragement through it
or hurt and disappointment from those who do not represent Him well with their
criticism? It will be reveled in your responses. Your tongue will deceive you (James
3:5-12). Do not allow a few thoughtless people and their words to invade your
heart and ruin good works for God. Guard your heart and guard your words.
4. This point was not in my
original letter. After careful consideration I realized I could not omit it. You
need to know there are far more people that will encourage and lift you up than
you realize. There are people that will help you get through the tough times
and tough words from others. Allow them to do it. It’s tough to be under the
microscope or in the fish bowl as I said before. There will be some who like to
analyze or tap the glass and irritate you but with prayer and focus on God and
His work He will bless you with so many of His people that will want to do
nothing but lift you and your family up. I have pieces of my heart all over
this country because of the wonderful people God has given me through ministry.
They will help you remember that God is in control and that He is worthy of
your commitment even when Satan sends people to hurl darts of insult and hurt
at you. Don’t let the few that injure you lead you down a path away from
service in the kingdom. Hear the voice of God in those who seek to encourage
you to follow Him.
5. Be full of Joy. This point
used to say be happy but I have come to the conclusion that happiness is
relative. It is based on how I feel from day to day. Some days, I am not happy.
Some days I am down right upset. But, on those days, I am still full of joy
even in the midst of my sadness or fear or upset. Joy at the blessings I have received
from a God that will never leave me alone. Joy runs deeper than happiness in my
opinion. It is something that allows me to feel those days of hurt and know
that that’s not all there is. My marriage is a constant reminder of that deep
down joy. How blessed am I, how blessed are you, to be married to a Godly man!
Take comfort and joy in the fact that even if this man were not a minister he
would still be an active member of the Lord’s Church. Know that he, like you,
is a Christian just like any other Christian and he is being held to the same
standards by the only judge that matters as well. Others may see the labels
“Minister and Minister’s Wife” but God sees His children working in His vineyard
as He commanded. Be joyful in this! You are doing God’s will together and not
the will of any one else. How blessed you are!
6. Preacher’s Wife does not equal
“she who will run every program.” You have your strengths and weaknesses just
like any other human being. Be aware of those strengths and weaknesses and do
not be afraid to say “I do not feel I am suited to that job. Perhaps I could
do…. instead?” Just because the wife of the previous minister took on a project
does not mean you have to. If the Elder’s ask that a program continue that you
do not feel suited to, respectfully offer to help find a replacement or find an
alternative activity that you can do. Also remember that you have different and
unique talents that may or may not mirror your husband. Just because he can do
something does not mean you can too. DO NOT try to be someone you are not. It
won’t help you, it won’t help your husband, and it won’t help the Lord’s
Church. 1 Corinthians 12:27-31 “Now you
are the body of Christ and individually members of it. And God has appointed in
the church first apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then miracles, then
gifts of healing, helping, administrating, and various kinds of tongues. Are
all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? Do all
possess gifts of healing? Do all speak with tongues? Do all interpret? But earnestly
desire the higher gifts. And I will show you a still more excellent way.”
Apparently this has been a problem for a long time, even in the 1st
century church. We don’t all do the same things; we can’t all do the same
things. See also 1 Corinthians 12:14-20 which tells us we are all one body but
we all have different functions. We can’t all be ears or eyes or feet. We need
each part to function the way God intended it to. Find the gift He blessed you
with and don’t be afraid to try something new to help you discover that gift.
You may discover a talent you didn’t know you had. Whatever you do, do it for
His glory.
7. You will have to share your
husband with the entire congregation. Office hours may be posted but his job is
24/7. Refer to numbers 1, 2, & 3 above. Be patient with him. It’s a hard
job to have to be the “go to guy” for every single member. You need to make
sure that you are his “go to gal” when he needs an outlet. Keep confident the
things he shares. Offer an ear to listen and advice when asked. Let him know
when you need attention. Your husband can not read your mind. He is busy with
other people’s business much of the time but don’t let yourself get shoved out
of the way. You are a priority because you are his biggest supporter. He needs
you over any other person in this world and you need him just as much. When God
is first in your family and your husband is your best friend you will be able to
make it through whatever challenges may be presented to you.
Please remember that my
experiences are my own just as your experiences will be your own but be
confident that even the seemingly bad experiences will work out for good if you
continue to trust in God’s Word. You are not alone and you are not the only
woman in the world that will walk the road that a Minister’s wife walks. You
are blessed to be a Christian woman and wife. You are blessed to be a child of
God. Not perfect by any means but completely forgiven by the blood of Christ.
May God bless your marriage and your work for Him.
If you are reading this and you
are not a preacher’s wife, thank you for taking the time to read and try to
understand some of the things we face. Many of these things may sound like your
life too. As I said, we are all really the same, just Christian women seeking
to take the Word to the world. I hope some of these things will be useful to
you as well. If you have a preacher’s wife at your congregation that is
striving to be a Godly wife and supporter of her husband, encourage her. I am
certain she will encourage you as well. I know I would. You would have a piece
of my heart along with so many other women who have encouraged me throughout
these 18 years.
Your Sister in Christ,
Amanda Merideth
